Your face is a jimmy john
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
