when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
