I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
