so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
