tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
