sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize