im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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