So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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