Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
