Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
