What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
