Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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