Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
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