mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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