I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
