allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
