I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
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He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
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I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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