Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
