He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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