You made me cry and you don't even care
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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