I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
