I think my fart just growled at me.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize