When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
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I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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