I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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