The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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