I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
