Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
