i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
