Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
