Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
