you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
