the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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