If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
