where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
