I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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