I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
