Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
