Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize