you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
