Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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