Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
