Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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