I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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