how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
