I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize