so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
