he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
