Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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