took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
