it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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