my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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