I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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