I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
where are my eyebrows?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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