Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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