How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
