WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
