I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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